The Mwahahaha Thread

During his Presidency, John F Kennedy was visiting the Alamo and the local newspaper editor was explaining the violent history of the Alamo. While there, a large crowd gathered outside to catch a glimpse of the president. John F Kennedy asked the Editor if there was a back door that he could escape through so not to have to cause a scene. At which the editor replied, “No offence Mr. President, but if there was a back door there never would have been an Alamo.”

A "liberated woman" is one who rises up and says to her menfolk, 'I will not be dictated to,' and then sits-down to become a stenographer. ~GK Chesterton

Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in Merseyside, Liverpool. Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained. The Merseyside Regional Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists Bin Thievin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have been arrested on immigration issues.

The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the area. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be very easy to spot in the community.

ANSWERING MACHINE IN THE MENTAL HOSPITAL

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on
the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to
the mother ship..

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until
a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone
number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's
maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or
before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If
you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too
busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You
won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up. "

Hihi Niiice

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and
may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents
on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton
are listed below.

Things Mr. Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in
Wal-Mart:

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of
M&M's on layaway.

September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.

September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the
bedding department.

September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins
to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, and picked his nose.

November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming
the "Mission Impossible " theme.

December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse
through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those
voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least .

December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

www.valentinesday.com

click on jackie o

www.celebritarian.net

Q: What do you call a Chelsea fan on the moon?
A: A Problem.

Q: What do you call 100 Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: An even bigger problem.

Q: What do you call all the Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: Problem solved

chica said:

Q: What do you call a Chelsea fan on the moon?
A: A Problem.

Q: What do you call 100 Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: An even bigger problem.

Q: What do you call all the Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: Problem solved

Click to expand...

British Double Entendres



Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio

Michael Burke on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

chica said:

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

Click to expand...

Bad Bunny, I like your username immensely, as you will notice if you hang around here long enough.

Therefore, I give you this:

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." -- Ellen DeGeneres

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me." -- Bobcat Goldthwait"

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" -- Warren Hutcherson

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" -- John Mendoza

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other." -- Rita Rudner

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" -- Rita Rudner

I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter." -- Drew Carey

"You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie Day." -- Jay Mohr

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." -- Dick Cavett

"I have such poor vision I can date anybody." -- Garry Shandling

"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?" -- Garry Shandling

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. -- Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. -- Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. -- Billy Crystal

Just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?" -- Larry Miller


In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? -- Jay Leno

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? -- Jay Leno

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. -- Joan Rivers

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. -- Tim Allen

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -- George Carlin

When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. -- Steven Wright

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody." -- Gary Shandling

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. -- the late, great Lewis Grizzard

How Hot Is It In Hell - A True Story

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, that "it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so . . .

Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

Anonymous

wolve said:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and
may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents
on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton
are listed below.

Things Mr. Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in
Wal-Mart:

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of
M&M's on layaway.

September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.

September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the
bedding department.

September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins
to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, and picked his nose.

November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming
the "Mission Impossible " theme.

December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse
through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those
voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least .

December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Click to expand...

=
the best husband ever

I had seen clips from this title on Letterman over a decade ago.
Yes, the following is excerpted from A REAL VIDEO!

It's Potty Time!


It's Potty Time (1990) DVD {amazon.com}

alrightythen...

Codreanu said:

I had seen clips from this title on Letterman over a decade ago.
Yes, the following is excerpted from A REAL VIDEO!

It's Potty Time!


It's Potty Time (1990) DVD {amazon.com}

Click to expand...

wait a second...so you are supposed to go front to back!!

That makes sense!! if only they released this video 10 years earlier, all my troubles would be nonexistent. Yes, my troubles stem from the toilet.