I am pretty crap at making jokes but my dad came up with one, which he probably stole from somewhere but ah well.

First Man: "So, Liverpool Airport Has Been Closed Due To These Terrorist Threats"

Second Man "Really?, Why Liverpool"

First Man: "There Was A Sighting Of A Suspicious Vehicle Outside"

Second Man: "Are You Serious?"

First Man: "Yeh, It Was In Liverpool Yet It Was Fully Taxed And Licensed With Its Stereo Still In Place"

To quote Moz "No more, no more jokes from me"

A farmer in devon has successfully grown a field of dildo's. Unfortunately
he's having trouble with squatters!!

How do you get fifty cows in a barn?

Man walks into a bar ouch :eek::o

Man goes to the doc and says" I have a problem.After i masturbate i start
to sing 'You,'ll never walk alone'."
The Doc says "dont worry, lots of wan kers sing that.

Wife: Why don't you say those 3 little words you never say?
Husband: OK - YOUR TOO FAT!

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord "The government beat me to it."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interru-
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Don't panic but I am in hospital. I poisoned myself. Ate what I thought was
an onion but it was a daffodil bulb.
Doctor says I will be out in the Spring.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interru-
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Got any more Jimmy Volmer jokes?

A woman sitting at a roadhouse in Top Springs,
Northern Territory suddenly began to cough while
eating a giant outback steak.

After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in
real distress and two jackaroos at the next table
turned to look at her.

"Can ya swalla?" asked one of the jackaroos. The woman
signaled 'No', desperately shaking her head. "Can ya
breathe?" asked the other

The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shook her
head 'No.' with that, the first jackaroo walked over
to her, lifted up the back of her skirt, yanked down
her panties, and slowly ran his tongue Up and Down the
woman's butt crack.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that
the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to
breathe again.

The jackaroo slowly walked back over to his table and
proudly took another drink of his VB.

His partner said in admiration, "Ya know, I'd heard of
that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen
nobody do it."

Got any more Jimmy Volmer jokes?

i heard it in 7th grade, had no idea someone actually has the credit!:D

A baby seal walks into a club.

A baby seal walks into a club.

:eek: shock horror gasp.........






(btw, love your new pic on Myspace.;) Yummy!)

:eek: shock horror gasp.........






(btw, love your new pic on Myspace.;) Yummy!)

Tee-hee, I love that joke, people give me that reaction. :D

I rather like that pic too!;)

Two fonts walk into a bar - the barman sais "Oi, We're not having your type in here...."


:D

Two fonts walk into a bar - the barman sais "Oi, We're not having your type in here...."


:D

Now THAT's funny. :D :D :D

Once two cars crashed, but it didnt matter cos one of them was blue.

Tee-hee, I love that joke, people give me that reaction. :D

I rather like that pic too!;)

You are so bad! :D

...hmm....

2 Tourist driving thro Wales .At Llanlyfryddawellehynafolybaacudprindanfygogog they stop for lunch and one tourist asked the waitress "Before we order could you please settle an arguement for us ?Would you please pronounce where we are ....very slowly" The blonde waitressl leaned over and said "Burr-gurr-kinng

The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

Hilary and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

Two fonts walk into a bar - the barman sais "Oi, We're not having your type in here...."


:D

Woohoo! Typography jokes rule! The ultimate in design geek humor.

Thank you.

This is one of my favorite moments in the many many hours I have seen of the mystic Osho's talks. He is commenting Friedrich Nietzsche's declaration that "God is Dead"

I love this one!!! :D:D:D

6D7rWLzloOI

2 Tourist driving thro Wales .At Llanfairpidlgwyngyllgogerychwymdrobwyilllantysilio gogogoch they stop for lunch and one tourist asked the waitress,before we order could you please settle an arguement for us ? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly .The blonde waitress leaned over and said .BURR-GURR-KINNG !:)

This is one of my favorite moments in the many many hours I have seen of the mystic Osho's talks. He is commenting Friedrich Nietzsche's declaration that "God is Dead"

Just how many hours of these talks have you watched? :eek: :confused:

if your english in the kitchen what are you in the bathroom

your a peein

I've got the latest issue of the NME if anyone wants to see a real joke ;)

I've got the latest issue of the NME if anyone wants to see a real joke ;)

Ooh, miaow

Love PTxx.

Just found this:

One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, "Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to Ten..... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

The mother responds, "Very good honey." The blonde asks, "Is that because I'm a blonde mommy?" And the mother responds, "Yes dear."

Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, "Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! .... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!"

The mother says, "Very good honey." The blonde then asked. "Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?" The mother responds, "Yes dear."

The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?"
And the mother responds, "No Honey, it's because you're twenty five."

Love PTxx.

more please..

3 blokes at the pearly gates the angel say's to get in you must show someting xmassy
the first man gets out his lighter and says it's the light of xmas and so he's let in
the second man jangles his keys saying xmas bells he's let
third man pulls out a thong, the angellooks puzzled - Oh they're Carols

Just how many hours of these talks have you watched?:

I dunno... read about maybe 20 or 30 of his books... and watched a video for about 1 hour every night for about 7 or 8 years.... sometimes wearin a robe... erm... anyways... yeah.

:cool::eek::p

I dunno... read about maybe 20 or 30 of his books... and watched a video for about 1 hour every night for about 7 or 8 years.... sometimes wearin a robe... erm... anyways... yeah.

:cool::eek::p

http://www.omfg.info/wp-content/uploads/kitten.jpg

Two from the Coen Brothers:

"Did you hear about the police paddy wagon that collided with the cement mixer? Twelve hardened criminals escaped."

+

"Did you hear about the guy who wanted vanity license plates? He couldn't afford them so he had his name changed to L4EMX21".

http://www.omfg.info/wp-content/uploads/kitten.jpg

Now ya know...:D:p:)

Yeah, so this thread is already on page two and I'm still waiting for the jokes. :p Here's one:

A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

2 maggots playing golf ,one says ,well what do you think ? The other one says ,well it better than fishing !

I just saw two peanuts walking down the street. One of them was assaulted.

My dad actually called a police non-emergency line one day to report this.

Here's a really bad one I'm sure everyone's heard...

Why was 6 affriad of 7?

Because 7 ate 9 and 10. ha :rolleyes:

whys the green path at the side of the road the maddest bit of tarmac ... cause its a cyclepath

Here's a really bad one I'm sure everyone's heard...

Why was 6 affriad of 7?

Because 7 ate 9 and 10. ha :rolleyes:

I think it's like this, Skinner:


Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9!



I know it's just a little change, but your way didn't really make sense. :p

I think it's like this, Skinner:


Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9!



I know it's just a little change, but your way didn't really make sense. :p

I know. Its true.

*places gun to skull*

See you later folks...

why did Hitler kill himself?


someone sent him his gas bill...

I'm so so sorry :p

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out
during a particularly icy winter They planned to stay at the
same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on
Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer
in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However,
he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without
realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home
from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home
to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email
expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message,
she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his
mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and
have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival
tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as
uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here.

wow, that was really funny! :D

OK this one's a step above a knock knock joke but here goes:

A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump together in the woods and the bear says to the rabbit " do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur" and the rabbit says "no I dont" so the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

^^ Thats very funny!! :)

Q: What do you call a Chelsea fan on the moon?
A: A Problem.

Q: What do you call 100 Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: An even bigger problem.

Q: What do you call all the Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: Problem solved


(Many thanks to chica who generously allows me to nick her stuff :D)

Jesus, Moses, and a really old guy are golfing.

Moses tees off, but his ball lands in a water hazard. He walks calmly to the edge of the pond, raises his club, and the water parts. He walks to his now-exposed ball and chips it neatly up onto the fairway.

Next Jesus steps up to the tee. His ball also veers to the water, but instead of dropping in, it hovers just over the surface, and he calmly walks out onto the pond and takes a stroke, which sends the ball back out onto the fairway.

Lastly, the very old man takes his shot. His ball hooks sharply, shoots through the trees bordering the course, and bounces off a passing truck on the road outside. It passes back through the trees, and lands with a plop on a lilypad on the pond. A frog swims out of the pond and up onto the lilypad and swallows the ball, then with a mighty hop leaps right out of the pond and onto the fairway and begins to hop away. A passing eagle swoops down and scoops up the frog, but as it passes over the green, the frog squirms, the eagle clutches it more tightly in its talons, and the frog spits out the ball, which drops to the green below and rolls neatly into the hole.

The old man, grins smugly and marks a "1" for the hole on his scorecard, as Moses turns to Jesus and says, "I fucking hate playing with your dad."

I found this scribbled in my father's sketch book years ago while he was recovering from knee surgery and on HEAVY doses of morphine...


Why are dogs smarter than squirrels?

Because dogs piss on trees and squirrels live in them.

I bought a teddy today for £5, named him
Mohammed then sold him on for £10. Question
is, have I made a prophet ?

:)

:D

http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/111104/the-more-i-ignore-him.gif

:D

http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/111104/the-more-i-ignore-him.gif

:D :D

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic guy who walked into a bra?

Jesus, Moses, and a really old guy are golfing.

Moses tees off, but his ball lands in a water hazard. He walks calmly to the edge of the pond, raises his club, and the water parts. He walks to his now-exposed ball and chips it neatly up onto the fairway.

Next Jesus steps up to the tee. His ball also veers to the water, but instead of dropping in, it hovers just over the surface, and he calmly walks out onto the pond and takes a stroke, which sends the ball back out onto the fairway.

Lastly, the very old man takes his shot. His ball hooks sharply, shoots through the trees bordering the course, and bounces off a passing truck on the road outside. It passes back through the trees, and lands with a plop on a lilypad on the pond. A frog swims out of the pond and up onto the lilypad and swallows the ball, then with a mighty hop leaps right out of the pond and onto the fairway and begins to hop away. A passing eagle swoops down and scoops up the frog, but as it passes over the green, the frog squirms, the eagle clutches it more tightly in its talons, and the frog spits out the ball, which drops to the green below and rolls neatly into the hole.

The old man, grins smugly and marks a "1" for the hole on his scorecard, as Moses turns to Jesus and says, "I fucking hate playing with your dad."

heheh like this one. :D

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."

The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Two muffins in an oven:
First say to the other -"Gee, sure is hot in here"
Second replies -"Holy Shit, a talking muffin"

Two muffins in an oven:
First say to the other -"Gee, sure is hot in here"
Second replies -"Holy Shit, a talking muffin"

hehehe :)

Rectum? It damn near killed 'em! - NRitH, stolen from someone else but we dont know who.

I just saw two peanuts walking down the street. One of them was assaulted.

My dad actually called a police non-emergency line one day to report this.

That explains SOOOO much... That is still some funny shit. Out of everything I have read... your dad doing that was the funniest of all.

Your man has a dog with an awful sore eye.
The vet picks the dog way up and has a good long look.
The vet says "Well, I am going to have to put him down".
The owner says "You cannot be serious, for a sore eye?.
The vet replies...." No, he's f***ing heavy".

^That's a good one :p

Here's a drunk Russian :D

bee-05aCpjk

P.S. Don't I like stereotypes...
fJuNgBkloFE

Windshield Bug
>>
>> A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his
>> infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and cut the man's penis
>> off and tossed it out the window.
>>
>> Driving behind the couple was a man and his 8-year-old daughter. The
>> girl was chatting away to her father when all of a sudden the penis
>> splattered into their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then
>> dissapeared over the roof.
>>
>> Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what was that?'
>>
>> Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at
>> such a young age, the father replied, 'It....it was only a bug, Honey.'
>>
>> The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment
said..
'Had a big nob, didn't it?'

Your man is driving down through the country when he was abruptly stopped by the police.
The officer asks "Sir, do you realize that your wife fell out of the car a few miles back?".
Your man replies "Oh, thank Jesus, I thought I had gone deaf".

Doctor Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last and you're single." "Just let it go, Mike."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:
"Mike"............................."Mike"..........."You're a Veterinarian, you sick bastard"

EL OH EL :D

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

_____________________________
SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

_____________________________
HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

______________________________
LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

_____________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Q: What's the name of Mao Tse-Tungs sleepy brother?
A: Mao Tse-Tse-Tung!

Q: Why does Putin only employ yes-sayers?
A: He hates in-put!

:guitar:

Take Words Back? HYSTERICAL!
FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could
help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never lets me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for
2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you
predict snow but don't get any... a true story...
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

I'm sure it seemed like a good design at the time.
But, times have changed.http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=696dada9e4&realattid=0.1&attid=0.1&disp=emb&view=att&th=117cdeb884ce5369

I'm sure it seemed like a good design at the time.
But, times have changed.http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=696dada9e4&realattid=0.1&attid=0.1&disp=emb&view=att&th=117cdeb884ce5369

you have to repost that pic, :D I only see a red cross.

you have to repost that pic, :D I only see a red cross.


I'm sure it seemed like a good design at the time.
But, times have changed.

http://i115.photobucket.com/albums/n299/suparni/-1-1.jpg

What's the difference between a RITZ and a lesbian.


One's a snack cracker.....


The other's a crack snacker



>: ]

^That's a good one :p

Here's a drunk Russian :D

bee-05aCpjk


the background to that clip makes it even funnier- the guy being interviewed is explaining that drunkenness is not a problem amongst Russian miners :D

me, I like frozen apples. Hardcore.

I was walking in the street the other day, when I saw a jigsaw piece lying in the road- which was a bit of a puzzle.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

_____________________________
SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

_____________________________
HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

______________________________
LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

_____________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

i've heard some of these before, but they're good. i like them.

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Thats a great one :)

I saw this guy nick a large beef joint from Asda
as he was running away with it the security man
came running after him yelling "hey what you doing with that!!"
the guy yelled "Potatoes, peas, carrots and gravy you nosey B******!"

Here's some always funny women jokes I got emailed to me...some of them might have already been posted, but it's friday morning and I'm lazy, so I'm not planning on going through this thread.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it !

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

How do you piss off a female archaeologist??
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.


Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.


Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Here was another email I received recently, it's funny cuz it's true :D:
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Jack In The Box? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning

A Harvard man and a Yale man are at the urinal. They finish and zip up.
The Harvard man proceeds to the sink to wash his hands, while the Yale man immediately makes for the exit.

The Harvard man says, "At Hah-vahd they teach us to wash our hands after we urinate."

The Yale man replies, "At Yale they teach us not to piss on our hands."

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise


I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,


P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:


After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,

the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your

designated area and are often seen visiting other locations..


You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in

order to start working.


You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct

protective clothing..

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed

the assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and

exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,


V. Gina

Q: In which Benelux country is it forbidden to dance Scandinavian folk dances at night?

A: Luxembugg!

:D

Here's some always funny women jokes I got emailed to me...some of them might have already been posted, but it's friday morning and I'm lazy, so I'm not planning on going through this thread.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it !

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

How do you piss off a female archaeologist??
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.


Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.


Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Here was another email I received recently, it's funny cuz it's true :D:
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Jack In The Box? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning

Brilliant!..:)

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise


I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,


P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:


After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,

the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your

designated area and are often seen visiting other locations..


You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in

order to start working.


You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct

protective clothing..

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed

the assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and

exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,


V. Gina
^^
:D LOL!

How to Make a Woman Happy



It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynaecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes



















HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked


2. Bring beer

How to Make a Woman Happy



It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynaecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes



















HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked


2. Bring beer

How awfully sexist :eek: By the way if that is true how do more women not fall for me...I must meet at least 2 or 3 of that list!

Love PTxx.

How awfully sexist :eek: By the way if that is true how do more women not fall for me...I must meet at least 2 or 3 of that list!

Love PTxx.

there is 54 requirements... :p :D

Ain't it the Truth!!!

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical...

The nurse starts with certain basic items.

'How much do you weigh?' she asks.

'115lbs' she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale - It turns out her weight is 150lbs.

The nurse asks, 'Your height?'

'5 foot 8,' she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".



She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.

'Of course it's high!' she screams, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!'

IRISH LOVE STORY


An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering
the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma
of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself
from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way
out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the
railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the
door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's
agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for
there, spread out upon the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his
devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left
this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the
edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife
with a wooden spoon ......
.........
.........
F**k off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... smack his arse again!"

I may have posted this elsewhere, but apologies if have. I got a slap off my wife for telling her this. I stand by it - word for word.

A journalist asks Paul McCartney if, after his unhappy marriage, he'd be prepared to go down on one knee again.

Paul replies "That's no way to talk about Heather"

Thinking about it, I probably did post this before, sorry.

Peter

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the jungle?

I may have posted this elsewhere, but apologies if have. I got a slap off my wife for telling her this. I stand by it - word for word.

A journalist asks Paul McCartney if, after his unhappy marriage, he'd be prepared to go down on one knee again.

Paul replies "That's no way to talk about Heather"

Thinking about it, I probably did post this before, sorry.

Peter

Haha, Peter, that was great. Your wife should've gotten a giggle from that one. "My boyfriend he got down on one knee; well, could it be he's only got one knee...." :) We call Heather much worse over here. (think along the lines of, "Spring Heeled Jim" :) I shouldn't say these things!

P.S. Don't I like stereotypes...
fJuNgBkloFE

way way too funny, and pretty scary, the average person in the street is incredibly thick. :(

Did you hear about the new Emo grass?


It cut's itself.


(heard this on the radio)

I have a great joke but it's kind of naughty and I don't think I'd be allowed to post it here. :(

A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he has lived all his life and into a real forest. Since he lived in the magical forest he has magical powers. He sees a bear chasing a rabbit and thinks to himself, this isn't right, everyone should live in peace. So he stops the bear and rabbit and tells them that if they stop chasing each other he'll give them both three wishes.

The bear thinks for a second and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the forest were female. Poof, all of them are female. Next the rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. The bear looks at the rabbit wondering why he would want a crash helmet.

The bear thinks for a second making sure he makes a good second wish and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the country were female. Again -- poof -- all the rest became female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Now the bear steps back and looks at the rabbit in amazment. How dumb is this rabbit he thinks to himself. All he had to do was wish for money and he could buy all the motorcycles he ever wanted. This has to be the dumbest creature the bear has ever seen, he thinks to himself.

It is time for the bear's final wish and he takes a second to think and makes sure he doesn't waste it. After a minute he wishes that all the other bears in the whole world were female. And again poof they are all female.

Next the rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on the bike. He turns around and smiles. Then he says, "I wish that that bear was gay..."

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk that I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."

The manager does as he is told, and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home, the first man says, "You know, I think my girl was dead."

"Dead?" says his friend. "Why do you say that?"

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."

"Could be worse. I think mine was a witch."

"A witch? Why would you say that?"

"Well, I was making love to her and kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite. Then she farted and flew out the window."

2 women came knockin on the door earlier & asked me whatbread I eat?
I told 'em warbies toastie loaf!
they then lectured me on the evils of white bread & told me about the wholesome goodness of brown bread!

Don'tcha justhate them Hovis Witnesses?

love

Grim

Eight Words with two Meanings




1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Women's Ass Size Study

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses.

The results are pretty shocking:

1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.

3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.

:D

(I'm in the 5% =o)

Jokes that only work in Scotland

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?' asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter.
'That's affa deer,' says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate. 'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,' he replies.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
'No,' argues the assistant, 'look at the label - it says Taiwan .'

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.' And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says:
'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.'

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident?
The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - 'Aye right.'

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering
with the engine of his car. 'What's up, Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies. 'Aye, same as masel...'

A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction

'£85 for an extraction, sir' the dentist replied.

'£85!!! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?'

'That's the normal charge,' said the dentist.

'Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?'

'That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off.'

'Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?'

'I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to £40.'

'How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?'

'It'll be good for the students', mulled the dentist. 'I'll charge you £5 but it will be traumatic.'

'Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal,' said the Scotsman. 'Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?'







An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital. At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first patient he sees, and the man proclaims:

'Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin' race!'

The English doctor, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into:

'Some hae meat and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it.'

This continues with the next patient:

'Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!'

'Well,' the English doctor mutters to his Scottish colleague, 'I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last.'

'Oh no,' the Scottish doctor corrected him, 'this is the serious Burns unit.'

a grasshopper walks into a bar and sits down at the bar,the bartender seeing the grasshopper yells out..

"hey we have a drink named after you!"

the grasshopper looks over at the bartender and replies...

"why would have a drink called bob?"

What do you call a hippy's wife?

Mississippi.


Yep...that's my kind of humour right there.

a grasshopper walks into a bar and sits down at the bar,the bartender seeing the grasshopper yells out..

"hey we have a drink named after you!"

the grasshopper looks over at the bartender and replies...

"why would have a drink called bob?"

That made me giggle.

After telling the customs agent he had nothing in his bags but clothing, Mark was alarmed when the official decided to open them up and check.

In the very first one she opened, cushioned between his socks was a bottle of cognac.

"Nothing to declare but clothing, huh?"

"Right," Mark extemporized. "That, madam, is my nightcap."

After telling the customs agent he had nothing in his bags but clothing, Mark was alarmed when the official decided to open them up and check.

In the very first one she opened, cushioned between his socks was a bottle of cognac.

"Nothing to declare but clothing, huh?"

"Right," Mark extemporized. "That, madam, is my nightcap."

heheheh I like that kind of joke. :p

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?" the man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."

How did the grape react when he was trod on?

He let out a little whine.

...

I'm sorry, I love fruit based japes.

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

What do you call a Pallbearer at an Oklahoma funeral?

a karaoke (american pronunciation) a carry okie

JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped
him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly
hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize
a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my
first day driving a cab...................

I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'

A Wee Scottish Tale.





A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

The Gamekeeper shouts,
'Dinnae drink thon waater! It's foo ae coo's keech an' pish!'

The man replies,
'My Good fellow, I'm English. Could you repeat that in English for me.'

The game keeper replies,

'I said, use two hands - you get more that way!!!

An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital. At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first patient he sees, and the man proclaims:

'Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin' race!'

The English doctor, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into:

'Some hae meat and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it.'

This continues with the next patient:

'Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!'

'Well,' the English doctor mutters to his Scottish colleague, 'I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last.'

'Oh no,' the Scottish doctor corrected him, 'this is the serious Burns unit.'

Haha, absolute classic, and coming from Dumfries I find it especially funny LOL

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest.

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with
Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon
when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short,
with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".

How do you make a Weegie bored?
Take away their needles.

:rolleyes:
sorry.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.¢ That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ......... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?

A Woman's Poem


He didn't like the casserole

And he didn't like my cake.

My biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.


I didn't perk the coffee right

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.



I pondered for an answer

I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked him...



Like his Mother used to do.

A Husband Is At Home Watching A
Football Match When His Wife Interrupts,

'honey, Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway?
It's Been Flickering For Weeks Now.'

He Looks At Her And Says Angrily,
'fix The Lights Now? Does It Look Like I Have 'powergen' Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So!'

'fine!'

Then The Wife Asks,
'well Then, Could You Fix The Fridge Door?
It Won't Close Right'

To Which He Replied,
'fix The Fridge Door?
Does It Look Like I Have 'fridgidaire'
Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So!'

'fine!' She Says
'then You Could At Least Fix The Steps
To The Front Door? They Are About To Break'

'i'm Not A Carpenter And I Don't
Want To Fix Steps', He Says, 'does It Look Like I Have 'taylor Woodrow' Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So! I've Had Enough Of This, I'm Going To The Pub!!!!'

So He Goes To The Pub And Drinks For A
Couple Of Hours................

He Starts To Feel Guilty About How
He Treated His Wife, And Decides
To Go Home

As He Walks Into The House He Notices
That The Steps Are Already Fixed.

As He Enters The House , He Sees The
Hall Light Is Working

As He Goes To Get A Beer, He Notices
The Fridge Door Is Fixed.

Honey, He Asks, 'how'd All This Get Fixed?'
She Said, 'well, When You Left I Sat
Outside And Cried. Just Then A Nice Young Man Asked Me What Was Wrong, And I Told Him.
He Offered To Do All The Repairs, And All I Had To Do Was Either Go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake.'

He Said,
'so What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake?'

She Replied, 'hellooooo.., Do You See 'mr Kipling' Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So!'

What do you call a man who has been dead and buried for 10 million years?

Pete.

http://www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/ksm/lowres/ksmn839l.jpg

http://www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/ksm/lowres/ksmn839l.jpg

hehe you are kind of keeping in with your theme of the week chica

Omg, you're right! And I didn't even read it that way on conscious level :D

more scottish humour

An answer that only a child from Glasgow could think of.

I was testing the children in my local Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church,
would that get me into Heaven ?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'

Again, the answer was, 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile.

Hey, this was fun! 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children,
and loved my wife would that get me into Heaven?' I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, 'NO!' I was just bursting with pride for them.

Well, I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?'

A six-year-old boy from Glasgow shouted out,


'YOU'VE GOT TAE BE FUCKIN' DEID'

I saw this on B3TA.com, and it made me laugh like a loon...

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3075/2578261364_59ba8853fe_o.jpg


Peter

http://www.pixel-pandemonium.com/comics/2008-06-19crudeoil.gif

crude oil

*chortle*

Paddy Irishman (bare in mind, I am Irish, I can tell this joke) goes to a ventriloquist show. So, he sits and watches, but the "entertainer" upon the stage is telling some terribly anti-Irish jokes. Drunks. Wife-beaters. Etc. So, Paddy Irishman stands up and says ,"Hey, I'm Irish and I find this VERY offensive!"
So the ventriloquist says "O, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend"
Our bold hero says "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the little fucker on your lap! :p


A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is looking quite satisfied-smoking a cigarette. But the egg looks sort of put out. ANGRY even! Arms crossed, the egg looks at the chicken, then turns and says, to no one in particular:
"Well I guess we know the answer to that question!"


Some nuns are renovating their church, but it's terribly hard, strenuous work, and in the process they get very sweaty. So, the mother superior informs them that, if they wish, they could remove their clothes -they're all sisters, for god's sake! So they do, but for safety's sake, they secure the door with a bolt. Whilst moving a pew, sister Brenda hears a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" asks the mother superior!
They look out the window, and sister Fionnuala replies that it is the blind man, so the mother superior goes to the door to let in the blind man. So the man says:
"Nice tits, sister. Where do you want these blinds?"


Was that last one sexist?

Was that last one sexist?

No, but maybe it belongs to this thread (http://forums.morrissey-solo.com/showthread.php?t=88109) :p

*ignoring the fact that I'm not Irish*
Have you heard about the Irish abortion clinic?





There's a 12-month waiting list.

This is my favourite joke:

Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?:)



The lack of chemists!!!:D

*ignoring the fact that I'm not Irish*
Have you heard about the Irish abortion clinic?





There's a 12-month waiting list.

I do like that joke! And I'll forgive you this once!:D

Irish people always give out to me when I make Paddy Irishman the silly one in the Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman jokes!

Some nuns are renovating their church, but it's terribly hard, strenuous work, and in the process they get very sweaty. So, the mother superior informs them that, if they wish, they could remove their clothes -they're all sisters, for god's sake! So they do, but for safety's sake, they secure the door with a bolt. Whilst moving a pew, sister Brenda hears a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" asks the mother superior!
They look out the window, and sister Fionnuala replies that it is the blind man, so the mother superior goes to the door to let in the blind man. So the man says:
"Nice tits, sister. Where do you want these blinds?"


Was that last one sexist?

No it wasn't but have another Nun joke.

Two nuns are leaving Mass, and walking through the church yard back to the convent. As they get to the graveyard, all of a sudden, the ground rumbles, the earth cracks, and through the dirt, one of the living-dead arises and confronts them.

Assumpta screams to Mary "Quick Mary, show him your cross!!""

Quick as a flash, Mary screeches "FUCK OFF YOU ZOMBIE BASTARD!!!!"




I thang you.

Peter

Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

‘Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?’

The survey was a huge failure because…

In Africa they didn’t know what ‘food’ means.

In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what ‘honest” means.
In Western Europe they didn’t know what ’shortage’ means.

In China they didn’t know what ‘opinion’ means.
In the Middle East they didn’t know what ’solution’ means.

In South America they didn’t know what ‘please’ means.
In the USA they didn’t know what ‘the rest of the world’ means.

I liked Charlotte Church's joke in today's Guardian Magazine...

"I ordered a pizza the other day. I asked for a thin and crusty Supreme, so they delivered Diana Ross."

Ba-Dum-Tish (http://www.instantrimshot.com).

Peter

A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me a beer and a mop."

*snort*

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is looking quite satisfied-smoking a cigarette. But the egg looks sort of put out. ANGRY even! Arms crossed, the egg looks at the chicken, then turns and says, to no one in particular:
"Well I guess we know the answer to that question!"


This one almost made me choke, very good.
I heard a slightly offensive american joke, but I can't remember it perfectly, I'll give it a go:

Americans:
Late to World War One.
Late to World War Two.
Now determined to start World War 3 to make up for it.

Sorry.

a zen buddhist monk walks up to a new york city hot dog vendor and says "make me one with everything."

two cats, one two three cat and un deux trois cat, are having a swimming contest. which one wins? one two three cat, because un deux trois cat sank.

two cats, one two three cat and un deux trois cat, are having a swimming contest. which one wins? one two three cat, because un deux trois cat sank.

I'm slow, but I got it eventually :p

A cartoon:

http://www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/jko/lowres/jkon69l.jpg

This one almost made me choke, very good.
I heard a slightly offensive american joke, but I can't remember it perfectly, I'll give it a go:


Glad I nearly made you choke!:D Oh, wait, didn't mean it like that.... you know what I mean!

Like that WW3 joke too!:p

Can someone please explain this joke to me? I don't get it!

"One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So He called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a while. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.
Well, He thought for a moment and thought maybe He'd better send down a second angel to get another point of view. So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and told him "Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% is bad and 5% is good." God said this was not good.

So He decided to send e-mail to the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that e-mail said?

---

---

---

---

Oh, you didn't get one either, huh? Bummer."

A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. He says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. The doctor says "The treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him, that should pick you up." The man bursts into tears. He says "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."

LMAO some funny jokes

A man said to me, 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.



(what can I say crap jokes amuse me far too much :))

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. . .

so, I took her to a gas station. . .

and then the fight started. . .

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair o n your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started. . .

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My Goodness!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started. . .

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it. . . he was a DWARF!!!

He Stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started. . .

LOL @bysshe,
good ones good ones..
:D

Stupid jokes make me laugh like crazy :D Here's one:

Q: Where did Napoleon keep his armies?

A: Up his sleavies.

Stupid jokes make me laugh like crazy :D Here's one:

Q: Where did Napoleon keep his armies?

A: Up his sleavies.


what kind of train transports bubble gum?

a chew chew train.

what do you call a cow without legs?

ground beef.

what kind of train transports bubble gum?

a chew chew train.

what do you call a cow without legs?

ground beef.

ha ha beautiful! and the latter is also disturbing :p

ha ha beautiful! and the latter is also disturbing :p

What do you call a sheep without legs? A cloud.

What do you call fly without legs? A walk.


Going now,

Peter

Eww! Thanks! :p

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
- Bob

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
- Bob

I thought that the answer to that one is that he's a Clever Dick :D

Peter

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
- Bob

I must say I don't quite get this one :p

I thought that the answer to that one is that he's a Clever Dick :D

Peter
hahahaa


A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...

Why don't aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

i will stop now....

I must say I don't quite get this one :p

to bob = to float

to bob = to float

Thanks! I was trying to link it to bobsled but I failed :p

Fsh... damn it Terence, where do you get these jokes? :D

What do you call a man in a paper jacket?

Russel

(pitiful i know :o but crap jokes are the best)

I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"


He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

Thanks! I was trying to link it to bobsled but I failed :p

Fsh... damn it Terence, where do you get these jokes? :D


i have my sources,haha
they are all so awful...



What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMN!




:o:p

i have my sources,haha
they are all so awful...



What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMN!




:o:p

A camel with one hump is a Dromedary. A camel with two humps is a Bactrian. What do you call a camel with three humps?

Humphrey.


I'm going now.

Peter

A camel with one hump is a Dromedary. A camel with two humps is a Bactrian. What do you call a camel with three humps?

Humphrey.

Isn't it, "...a camel with no humps"?

Where does the one legged waitress work?
The Ihop

i went into my bank , and asked them to check my balance
they pushed me over

A lesson in Posting
How many group posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

ha! I like it

Thistown, please read the following thread:

http://forums.morrissey-solo.com/showthread.php?t=73657 :p

ha! I like it


Thank you Mr. Neville. :)

Are you addicted ...?
You Might be Addicted to AOL if...
Tech Support calls "You" for help.
Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL.
You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other.
You keep begging your friends to get an account "so we can hang out."
Three words: Carpal tunnel syndrome.
You want to meet a girl/guy and your first impulse is to turn on your computer.
you've ever gotten onto an airplane just to meet some folks face to face.
you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's.
You have ever joined "Si habla Espanol" (Spanish chat room) "just to work on my Spanish."
you've ever typed "drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone."
you go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail message letting everyone know you're going to be away.
you have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it (oops thats me twice!).
you no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences.
you have met over 100 AOLers.
you begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing.
when someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"
you find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
you turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won't know you are online again.
you know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do your own spouse's.
you find yourself lying to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook
you have an identity crisis if someone else is using an s/n close to your own
you would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (all night online).
you change s/n's so much that you have to get your profile to see who you are (identity crisis here).
you're broke, your modem burns out and you go out onto the streets to sell your body to get a new one.
you open your home to 15 strangers for a week merely because they have computers and cool s/n's.
your kids are standing at your side saying "mommy, please come cook dinner" and you would rather type another "LOL"
you marry your cyberboyfriend/cybergirlfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room.
you type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.
you won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved.
your dog leaves you.
you have to ask what year it is.
you are doing things more and more that you swore you would never, ever do when you first found chat.
you write a letter like this..."dear tom, hiyas! how r u doin well i gotta go bbl!"
you name your pets after people with whom you talk online.
you smile sideways. :-)
you sign on and immediately get 10 messages from people who have you on their buddy lists (::cringe::).
you have a map on the wall with red thumbtacks to mark where people you have met are.
you look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy.
you bring a bag lunch and a cooler to the computer.
your significant other kisses your neck while you are chatting and you think "uh oh, cybersex pervo."
you have withdrawal symptoms if you are away from the puter for more than a few hours.
you use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one... hehehe).
you take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.
your buddy list has over 100 people on it.
you wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee.
you have to inject No-Doz into your butt to keep it awake.
you have your computer set up so that it goes directly into AOL's welcome screen.
you wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to come home from work.
you don't know where the time has gone.
you end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters in pen/pencil.
your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had.
you get up at 2 am to go the bathroom but go turn on your computer instead.
you spell things out loud instead of actually saying the word.
you don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
when you enter a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs}}} or ***Kisses***
you stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme
your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n and I will TTYL."
you type faster than you think.
you got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL, too, and are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.
you want to be buried with your computer when it dies...or vice versa
you actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
you can actually read and follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your tv screen at the end of a movie.
people say, if it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes and fingers, you would have long been classified as a vegetable.
you dream in text.
being called a newbie is a *MAJOR* insult.
there is absolutely no interesting chat any room and you are really bored....yet you don't want to leave in case you miss something.
you double click your tv remote.
you can now type at more than 70 wpm.
you think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.
you are on the phone for a minute and need to do something else you say "BRB" or "BBL"
you check your e-mail and forget you have real mail aka snail mail
you go into withdrawals during dinner
you spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room
you stop speaking in full sentences
you have gone into an unstaffed tech support room and ended up "giving" tech support to other AOLers
you have to be pried from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life
your last sexual experience was really just a "textual" experience
you set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to "check your mail" and while you were there you "just wanted to see who's on"
you meet people from AOL in public and have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their s/n.
BTW, IMHO this also applies to CompuServe, Prodigy, GNN, Delphi, Microsoft Net, ATT's Worldnet and, most of all, the World Wide Web. (That's just in case you thought only AOL had addicts.)

*cough* it seems to me this list needs to be updated. :o

sorry i guess i didn't get that far in reading. I will delete it..

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

which kind of lettuce did they serve on the Titanic?

which kind of lettuce did they serve on the Titanic?

iceberg?

iceberg?

How did you know :eek:

How did you know :eek:

cuz,i know many a bad joke.


What is an Eskimo cow called ?
an eskimoooo


Where did King Arthur take his girl friend on a date?
to a knightclub


What does a pig use to write with?
a pigpen.


i will stop now.

hahaha

how do you make soup gold?

you put in fourteen carrots

why would you take a hammer to bed?

so you could hit the sack.

genius, yes.

how do you make soup gold?

you put in fourteen carrots

why would you take a hammer to bed?

so you could hit the sack.

genius, yes.


hahahaha

so bad
hahahah

Tommy Cooper jokes:

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.



Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."



"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."



"A woman told her doctor, "I've got a bad back." The doctor said, "It's old age." The woman said, "I want a second opinion". The doctor says, "OK. you're ugly as well."



A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"



"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"




Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!




So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"




"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"



So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"




"So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'




Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And
there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.




So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,
and he said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said
"You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said
'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.




Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'




So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'




Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
"Does this taste funny to you?"




Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.




"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen,
it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."




A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "
The man replied "I know I've been ill"




A man walked into the doctors,
he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go to those places"




I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.




I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.




I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a
month for the next 2 years.




Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.




Phone answering machine message -
...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."




I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."




My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.




A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".




I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.




Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it.




Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.




Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"

What is the difference between a Virgin and a washing machine?
The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it

Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not be retouched nor corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in

1. in the first book of the bible, guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7. Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
9. The first commandments were when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of geritol.
12. The greatest miracle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was st. Matthew who was also a taxi man.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity; he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

[QUOTE=chica;920030]Tommy Cooper jokes:




just to let you know these are not actually Tommy Cooper jokes, but Tim Vine.

[QUOTE=chica;920030]Tommy Cooper jokes:




just to let you know these are not actually Tommy Cooper jokes, but Tim Vine.

Here's a very un-Tommy Cooper-esque joke.. but it is Tommy Cooper!

A boy holds up an ice-cream truck and says "Give me everything you've got!"
The woman says, "Do you want crushed nuts?"
So the boy says "Do you want your tits blown off?"

I was surprised to see this was Tommy Cooper!

On condoms, magnum sized:
I like the extra baggy look.

On Elton John, in combination with saber-toothed cats:
Q- What do you get when you cross Sir Elton John with a saber-tooth tiger?
A- I don't know but you better keep it away from your ass!

Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not be retouched nor corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in

....
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

I don't see any incorrect spelling here! :p

What is the difference between a Virgin and a washing machine?
The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it


LOL, that was very funny!! I liked that joke.. Good one Oye!!

A grade school teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep it was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.

A grade school teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep it was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.

Hahahaha! I was that kid. :)

A Scottish man is walking along the road with a sheep under each arm.
He meets another scottish man who says "you sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine"

What do you do when your wife's staggering?
Shoot her again

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated
instead of just murdered?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your
thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in
for eternity?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Why does a round pizza come in a square box?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




What disease did cured ham actually have?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good
idea to put wheels on luggage?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like
every two hours?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to
look at things on the ground?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out
of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what
is baby oil made from?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Why did you just try singing the two songs above?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a
hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but
when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?



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An old man walks into a pub, his feet shuffling, his back bent. He drags himself onto a stool and orders a beer. Placing the full glass in front of him, the bartender inquires upon his sad face.

The man answers with a smoky and trembling voice and an accent:
Ah, tell ya man! This pub, this very pub we're just sitting in. I built it, with me own hands!
But do they call me the Pubmaker? Naa!
See the wall over there, that protects our town? I built it, with me own hands!
But do they call me the Wallmaker?
And the bridge, you know, that crosses our river, I built it, with me own hands!
But do they call me the Bridgemaker?

But I tell ya, man! YOU FUCK ONE GOAT!

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New Words for 2008



* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and
then leaves.

* SALMON DAY..
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it
to work again.

* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food rest au rants often wear to show
their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your
bed instead.

* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
At 3:00am .

* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how
you got here, and where you've come from.

* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got 4 buttocks

why did the blind woman burn her ear?
she tried to answer the iron.

how did did she burn her other ear?
they called back.


:p

OKAY I'VE GOT ONE.

Why are dragons BIG, GREEN and SCALY?
-Cos if they were small, white and smooth they'd be TIC TACS!

lolololololololololol

Little Johnny is a most shy and insecure boy and is taken to the Circus. Made to sit right in the front by his Auntie, and on come the Clowns. Immediately one runs to him and, thrusting a microphone under his nose says “Are you the front end of an Ass?” “No” says Johnny. “Are you the back end of an Ass” “No” he replies. “Then I declare that you are no-end of an Ass” says the Clown triumphantly. Little johnny runs straight home in tears. His Mum says you must confront your fears to exorcise them from you forever and sends the poor boy back to the Circus the next day, only this time with Uncle Jim who is a master of the quick quip and witty repartie... “Watch your Uncle and learn” says Mum.

Next day and poor Johnny is back in the front row, but this time with Uncle Jim master of the quick quip and witty repartie. Enter the Clowns, who this time make for Uncle Jim (master of the quick quip and witty repartie). “Are you the front end of an Ass” they ask Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie. “No” “Are you the back end of an Ass” “No” says Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie. “Then I declare that you are no end of an Ass”... But before the audience could react, Uncle Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie, quick as a flash said “...Fuck off you red nosed, big shoed cunt”.


What's the difference between a Lada and a sheep?
It's marginally less embarrasing getting out of the back of a sheep...


Heard about the dyslexic rock star? ...Choked on his own vimto.
Or the dyslexic pervert? ...Went into an S&M shop and bought a nice cardigan.....

gary glitter has been given a date for his return to the u.k. ...she's 8, but could pass for 12 with a little make up.

A woman answers the phone and a man's voice says to her,
"have you got a big fat sweaty c**t"
"Yes" she replies, "he's laid on the settee, do you want to speak to him?".

These were posted elsewhere. Some of them are funny. :)

Yo Grannie so damn fat, that if she was an Aeroplane, she'd be a Jumbo Jet.
Yo Grandpa so fat that he's half Scottish, half Irish and half American
Yo Wife so fat she fell off a boat and the Captain yelled, "Land Ahoy!!!"
Yo Priest so fat, when he bungee jumped he went straight to hell...
Yo Doctor so fat, that when her beeper goes off folks think she's backing up.
Yo Auntie so fat when she goes to Gap the only thing she can fit into is the dressing room.
Yo Bookie so fat he gotta buy clothes by the furlong.
Yo Dentist so fat that when he burped he blew out all yo mamma's teeth...that why she so ugly!
Yo Papa's so large when you climb on top of him your ears pop.
Yo Father so fat that when he sat on a rainbow, Skittles fell out.
Yo Sister so fat that even Richard Simmons can't help laughing.
Yo Sis so Monstrous she uses soccer balls for earrings.
Yo Father so fat he can't even tie his own shoelaces.
Yo Mama so huge that God created her...and on the seventh day rested.
Your Kid Sister so fat the Japanese Sumo Wrestling squad had to turn her down.
Yo Star Trek fan so fat he make Riker's beer belly look 2 atoms thick.
Yo Lawyer's so fat...we're inside her right now.
Yo' Baker so freakin fat he masturbates when reading cookbooks.
Yo Auntie so fat that Weight Watchers threw her out for breaking the scales.
Yo Boss so fat that when she calls a board meeting she has to pull herself up a sofa.

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