i am a creature
of urges strange,

but im not a twisted sex-monster with a head full of collagen.

yes,
it may be true,
that i get a kick from leather.

is that really so strange?

and i never wear white stilletos,
and no one ever gives me ...

a you know what.

and no,

i never,ever get a basement broom-handle.

and if i did it wouldnt be over a pair of fancy shoes.

and drugs?

i dont even know what they are!

are you that lad whose been flashing his knackers in my topiary for the last few weeks?

im sorry i cant attend to you right now,

im too busy celibate-ing christmas.

call me back in june.

youve missed the bucket my dear boy,
you have no idea what i REALLY like.

Very good!